What became of The Egg? 🤔
And the Leggacy of Helmet Science
This morning as we were driving back from town, Anthony and I were discussing the finer points for our upcoming photo shoot.
“I’m sad I sold The Egg” I lamented, staring wistfully out the window.
“YOU WHAT!?” he screamed.
"Someone paid you MONEY for it?” he said, his eyes wide with shock as he nearly drove off the road.
[At this point, if you have not met The Egg yet, I implore you to step back to Part One of the story - on this post.]
“Yep fifty bucks on Marketplace…. and I knew the lady who bought it”
“...But come to think of it, she hasn't spoken to me since” I said, feeling curious mix of guilt and hysterics rising within.
“It was pretty easy really. I sent her my bank details and left The Egg in the mailbox so she could collect it on the way to a show”
And now that I’m back home I’ve just looked for her on Facebook, hoping to see The Egg out and about living it’s best life…
But it seems I’ve been unfriended...So that’s a bit awkward.
I mean, I really can’t blame her - it was a few years ago now but perhaps I didn’t craft the most accurate listing for Marketplace.
Maybe a more honourable person might have written
'Huge horse riding helmet for sale. Not up to current safety (or fashion) standards. Seller takes no responsibility for sciatica that may result from use. Could be ok with a neck brace'
Or perhaps
'EOI sought for removal of enormous helmet from Bacchus Marsh. Cash payment of $50 available. Will need a trailer and two strong men to lift'
But knowing me, I probably just focused on the the slippery velvetness and the fact I had only worn it a few times.
Because Ladies, do not forget - this was my stepping out helmet.
My stackhat for special occasions.
It was the way I wanted to immortalise my triumphant return to riding as a grown woman.
And boy oh boy, did I knock it out of the park.
Anyway, I’ve now had time to reflect on what a truly awful thing I did. I sent this poor woman off to a pony pageant, in public…With a hot air balloon for a hat and no plan B.
I cannot fathom her horror as she proudly lifted The Egg onto her head, like The Queen preparing for her coronation… Only for her friends to collapse in convulsions on the ground around her.
Or worse.
The could have said NOTHING!
They could have slapped the horse on the rump and said “Go slay the Garryowen, Guurrrrrl” and then made cone-head gestures behind her back all day.
What have I done?
She could have left the industry for good…She could be in an institution...
She could have sat inside The Egg and rowed to New Zealand to start a new life.
So Laura, wherever you are… I’m sorry.
There are so many things I would have done differently.
For starters, I probably wouldn’t have sold it in the first place. Genuinely, I think an OnlyFans account, featuring The Egg and enormous underpants could be my ticket to financial freedom.
But I digress.
Ladies, we must find Laura and conduct a welfare check. We need to use the power of the people to see whether she’s ok and if The Egg lives on.
I can’t remember her last name but she had a horse clipping business around Melbourne somewhere.
If you have any hot tips, please contact Deteggtive Jemima via this page. All information will be held in the strictest confidence.
Thank you in advance. Together we can crack this case.
Post script:
As is often the way, when a mystery captures the attention of a nation, it didn’t take long for the tips to start rolling in…
Within hours Laura had stepped forward, holding The Egg aloft, like royalty do when a new king is born.
However when photos of The Egg under it’s new guardianship were provided, it appeared there was a problem.
A big problem...
It’s nowhere near as Eggish on Laura or even her sister... and for this we need science.
So sciencers, sciencees and learned ladies who are prepared to pretend…. I need your help.
Could it be a brim to brow ratio?
Are large foreheads or low hairlines to blame?
Was there a space/time continuum that caused a modest 3 bedroom house to fit in The Egg when it was on my head but only room for a smallish bread roll when Laura was wearing it?
Ladies, please grab your lab coats (I know it’s short notice so a dressing gown will suffice) and prepare to get all pinchy on the photos that I shall include in this article.
In the meantime, it turns out that Laura is a lady who seeks the truth.
She concedes that while she did think it was ‘a touch large’, The Egg doesn't really seem out of place because everyone else in the Show Rings are Egg Wearers too.
After more probing, she does acknowledge that Eggs should never be worn at showjumping or eventing competitions. The risk of spinal damage is real.. but for some reason Showies seem to think Egging is the way forward 🤷♀️
Anyway, I probably dont even need to say this… but today has been a huge day for Helmet Science.. and who knows, The Egg might contest the Garryowen after all
Now for the Melbourne based Sciencees among us, Clipping by Design - with Laura has agreed to bring the Egg to appointments if requested.
But please book well ahead of time, we expect she’ll probably need a line of armoured cars to get herself and The Egg to appointments now.
And for anyone lucky enough to secure an appointment, the community of Helmet Scientists will rely on selfies of your findings, so we can continue our important work behind the scenes.
God bless you, God bless Helmet Science and God Bless Clipping by Design - with Laura
🌟 Update 🌟
We will soon be launching an Eggschange Program. Please visit this page to register your interest
