Observations of a Depressed Equestrian
Sooky Lala reporting from Wandin International Horse Trials
With a title like that you can probably guess how this weekend ended up… But what’s the big deal anyway?
Well ever since I was about seven years old, I used to read about this magical place called Wandin.
My generous and thoughtful step-dad would bring home a horse magazine each month and I would read them cover to cover.
Over and over again…
I would seriously read every single word, right down to the ingredients in the worming ads (Anyone else remember the Equimec advertisement with the mare and foal in the sunset? Anyone? 😳🤣)
Anyway… Wandin was an event covered in ALL those magazines.
I had no idea where it was… it was just a far away place that all the serious equestrians gathered to test their skills.
So 30 something years later and now living interstate, I realised this magical competition still existed and even better, it was only about 3 hours away.
Earlier this year as a nod to my childhood self, I entered the event and let me tell you - I took it very, very seriously.
As the competition drew near we were on a strict training schedule of jumping, fitness and dressage practice… Your gal even travelled back in time, to her childhood self - to tell her she was going to ‘give it a bloody good crack’
Which I can now safely say, we definitely did not.
Neither of my horses placed or even finished…One was retired, one was withdrawn and seven year old me is not at all impressed.
And it’s at this point I’ll hand over to the new reporter for this gig.
Her name is Sooky Lala because…ya know… it’s much easier to remain objective when reporting in third person 🤷♀️
Putting the ‘cross’ in cross country
By way of a backstory - in her return to horse riding as an adult, Sooky Lala would approach cross country courses with the grit and determination of a soft noodle.
She would be transfixed with terror at the upcoming obstacle and do a little jiggle when Her Beloved inevitably stopped for a better look.
They were a match made in heaven, her and that horse.
They would confirm each other’s deepest fears and justify the terror by fanny-ing around at every fence to better assess the danger.
Like such 👇
Sadly this style of stop-starty fence jumping continued for nearly two full eventing seasons…. but very, very gradually Sooky’s pants became braver.
And while Her Beloved did not appreciate this new, bolder plan of action, she could usually convince him that up and over was the way forward.
In fact, during their final cross country training last week, while she acknowledged that perhaps the Olympics were perhaps a fair way off… she thought 65cms at Wandin was definitely within reach.
So let’s see how it panned out, shall we?…
Broadcasting live from the famous Start Box at Wandin, Sooky Lala said to herself “We’re perfectly capable of getting around this course... and who knows we might even get a ribbon”
And with the encouraging shriek -“Ride him like you stole him” from her friend Kathryn on the sideline, she set off like Napoleon riding into battle.
“En guard!” she cried, channelling every last atom of her inner warrior.
Only, it seemed Her Beloved missed the memo… and planted his feet at the very first fence.
Which was a small, straightforward log measuring approximately 40cm for those playing at home.
But with the tap of her whip she set off again - determined to sail through the remainder of the course.
“Come on ye fat bastard, that will not do at all!”
She said out loud - because that’s what confident people say before the wheels all but fall off.
She put the cross in cross country as she rode with purpose and determination. She sat deep and rode forward as it happened again.
And again
It wasn’t until Fence Ten, when her teeth were within inches of timber that she thought “Fuck.. this feels pretty dangerous. I’d rather not die”
So she dismounted and announced her intention to retire to the jump judge sitting nearby.
And as she began the slow trudge over the hills, her inner Warrior Princess was overthrown by a sulky Drama Queen.
Then a few hours later after she’d nearly fallen off a few more times in the showjumping warm-up… Sooky Lala withdrew her second horse and started the dusty walk back to the yards once again.
She sighed dramatically as she noted that failing to finish was a fair throw from what her seven year old self had imagined as she read those magazines by torchlight under the blankets.
It was at this point her eyes started prickling and her nose started sniffling.
The Pity Party had begun…
Determined to keep the tears at bay, she reminded herself that comparison is the root of all evil….Except, she reasoned - when you’re at a competition and it’s the entire bloody point.
So as she weaved her way back past all the professionals on shiny horses, she collated this advice for anyone wanting to host a successful Pity Party of their own.
Firstly, identify a successful, confident child rider and make the following observation:
“Look at them, all smiley and competent and kicking my arse….”
“It’s interesting that I have been riding for longer than they have been alive and still the cards still fall this way”
Or for a change of mental scenery you can sift back through family achievements which need not have any relevance to equestrian sports.
“Dad had a hobby… And he earned a WORLD FUCKING RECORD for his efforts. And yet, despite toiling for years, I am unable to even FINISH in the lowest grade of my chosen pursuit”
The other thing about a Pity Party, is that the Queen of Drama does not like to have her moment interrupted. This means that statements like ‘It wasn’t that bad’ from her very kind friend were met with eye rolls and contempt.
Please know that The Queen wants only to catastrophise these situations…and logic is never invited.
So if you ever unwittingly find yourself in the midst of someone else’s Horsey Hoe Down - please feel free to use the following statements:
“I agree, that was pretty disappointing”
“Yes, he probably could have stepped over it”
“Oh well… next year they’ll run a handicap event… for um… handicapped horses?’
By the time she’d made the long walk back to the yards for the second time, Sooky Lala had put on a brave face… so when someone asked how she went, she said “Well, you can’t win them all”
Which was a grossly misleading statement as it somewhat indicated that winning had been a thing. Ever.
Which it definitely had not.
Anyway, as an adult - Sooky knew there was a certain expectation that blubbering like a big honking child, and blowing snot bubbles far and wide was frowned upon.
She knew this was reserved for the long drive home.
And as she rolled out of the big fancy gates, Sooky started mentally tallying the dollars and hours that she’d invested in the sport. Followed by the sacrifices those around her had made in order for her to indulge her grown-up Saddle Club dreams.
It’s at this point the Pity Party kicked up a gear.
It was the self-indulgent equivalent of someone breaking open the tequila and slurring ‘Who’s up for SHOTS!’ at a house party.
And as she gripped the steering wheel, with water falling freely from her eyes, she ran through a few the usual, sulky suspects which included but were not limited to:
Giving up for good.
Wondering what steps must be undertaken to sell a horse (that she dearly loves), because of it’s refusal to participate in her childhood dreams.
Mentally flicking through all the other equestrian disciplines to see if any might be more likely to results in ribbons instead of red eyes…. before realising that yes, there are a few… but none with the addictive nature of the cross country component 🙄
And with absolutely no resolution in sight, she just stuffed her face with salty snacks and drove home in silence.
The Hangover
Not unlike the morning after a raging house party, Sooky reports that indeed a Pity Party hangover can result in feelings of shame & remorse.
Because with the dawn of a new day, she was appalled at her own behaviour.
But thankfully - as the day wore on, and the Pity Party hangover wore off she gained some much needed perspective.
Just getting to be part of such a huge event was a really wonderful experience and most importantly, she came home with two healthy horses.
As for her seven year old self?
Well, she just needs to wait til 2025 to see those damn finish flags 💪
Thanks to Sooky Lala for that report.
And don’t forget, if you thought that was bad - you can upgrade to be a paid subscriber to read Tales of a Terrible Equestrian to see exactly what unfolded in those most awkward of early years 😎
If you have any similar stories or helpful strategies for hosting a Pity Party - please kindly comment below so we can swiftly get back on the horse and do it all over again 🤣🤦♀️
Maybe you were shit … Who am I to judge from the sidelines? But your skin is flawless
So good! I'm cutting out the Napolean picture and framing it.