Timmy, we're not in Kansas anymore...

“I see you my pretty, and your little poodle too!”

“Muuuuuum, there’s a horse outside!!”

“What do you mean a HORSE outsi…..Ohhh, there is too!”

There I was, in the middle of a suburban street with Timmy happily standing beside me.

We were going to an appointment with the eye specialist and everything about this situation felt weird.

To be fair, the fact the clinic was on the corner of a busy road, right across from a Thai takeaway store had raised a few alarms but like all weary drivers busting to do a wee – I pressed on, found a park and unloaded the pony on a pretty normal suburban street.

Normal, that is, if you’re walking a cavoodle or pushing a pram. It was significantly not normal, for me though - as I was leading my pony down the road to see the vet.

“Come on Tim, no time to spare…” I said as he jogged along next to me.

And as we were powering down the street, I was a) worried my bladder might burst and b) getting even more confused about the whole situation

I couldn’t figure out why the sight of a pony was creating such a fuss with this famous equine eye vet on the corner.

Surely these people saw horses all the time… Right?

Being a newish Victorian I don’t have much understanding of the Melbourne suburbs, so when I was sent the address I assumed it was like Randwick in Sydney, which is residential but also pretty populated with horses with the racetrack nearby.

Nope. This was about as white-bread residential as you can imagine.

“As law abiding citizens do you think we should be on the footpath?” I said out loud to the pony.

“It just feels a bit badass to be jaywalking down the middle of the road”…I muttered as we swerved over to to the pavement with the speed and finesse of an Olympic hip wiggling speed walker.

“Abort abort! Lady and poodle at twelve o’clock”

“Cummon Tim” I said as we wiggle wiggled back to the middle of the road “Full steam ahead to the clinic that is probably for cats” I said as my bladder reached breaking point.

When we arrived I thought there would surely be a stable or small yard at the back of the clinic… Otherwise what were we doing here?

“Um we’re in a residential area, your horse needs to stay in the float” said the vet nurse when we finally arrived.

“That’s wonderful information that would have been significantly more helpful prior to this moment” says me thinking patient, peaceful thoughts that did NOT involve running water.

“Come on Tim, back we go” as the we did a wiggle wiggle U turn and headed back up the road

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Only…in those few minutes quite a crowd had gathered to see whether their neighbours had been smoking the whacky tobaccy.

“BRAYDEN! There’s a horse outside! Go and get your sister!”

And as people started waving from their front yards, I started waving back.. and without realising it I channeled my inner Meghan Markle and was walking, waving and turning side to side to make sure I didn’t miss anyone.

Now, I’m not one to gloat but I’m pretty sure I nailed it 💅

Meanwhile Prince Timmy of Toorak was jig jogging along, doing the occasional happiness snort and thankfully not leaving any steaming gifts for his new fans.

Then he clomped back onto the float and we zoomed around the block and pulled into the clinic driveway for a consult.

But when the vet hopped inside the float, Tim started flinging his head around like a maniac.

“I think I’ll sedate him” said the Vet.

“Um.. he’s not great with needles…Quite mental actually” I said, knowing full well that he wouldn’t take me seriously.

After all, how bad could one tiny pony be?

Well…ten sweaty, sweary minutes later, the Vet gave up fearing one or both of us would die if we continued.

After that the consult was a breeze.

“Is he a show pony?”

‘Brother please’, I thought to myself…

“Errr, no, we do tricks..and um tricks.. and stuff” feeling like a 40 year old who’s Cabbage Patch Doll collection has just been discovered 😳

“Well that’s good. His eye lump is just aesthetic…and it doesn’t need to be removed”

‘Easy for you to say’ I thought on the way home… ‘You try telling all those FB bandits that keep calling me a horse abuser’ 🙄

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But then I had a huge wave of emotion….

You GUYS! This is the same pony that 4 years ago couldn’t be touched.

The same pony that would throw himself on the ground and wriggle under fences to get away from me… And now our relationship is so solid he’ll just happily get out of the float in SUBURBIA and jog down the street without a care in the world.

He’s just the raddest little dude and he makes my heart explode

So that’s today’s instalment of ‘The Strange & Unexpected Life of Timmy Trumpster’… I hope you got a buzz out of it as much as me

P.S No pants were wet in the making of this story. Markle would be proud

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